I don’t want to be done…

As the months progress and I watch my second born grow, I’m realizing how fast time flies. She’s starting to be more alert and smile more. Before I know it, she’ll be holding her head up on her own and then from there she’ll learn to roll over and crawl and then walk and talk. My first born is already forming full sentences and learning new things every day. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Whenever I see pictures of my first born little, I can remember the time and how the days went. I can remember watching her grow. I just never realized that it actually happened so quickly. My second born isn’t even 6 months old yet. She’s almost 4 months old though, so 6 isn’t far behind. Even though she’s still a baby, I’m wishing the newness of her wasn’t passing by go quickly. She just recently stopped waking up every 3 hours at night. Sometimes she sleeps through the night. Sometimes she wakes up once or twice. She’s growing. She’s becoming older and it makes me sad.

It literally feels like the NICU days were just yesterday. I remember her birth. I remember my stay and her stay in the hospital. I remember the trips to the hospital. I remember knowing that it was best for her there but hating I had to be so far away. I remember feeling like a crappy mom because she wasn’t home with me. I remember everything so vividly. How the week went leading up to her coming into this world way to early. I remember being scared the night before I had her. My biggest fear was having to have a C-Section and I thank god every day that I didn’t have too. I remember all this like it just happened yesterday. But it didn’t. Soon, she’ll be 4 months old. And then so on and so forth. Before I know it, she’ll be a year old. And all I’ll have are the memories of all this. It makes me sad because she’ll be the last baby I have. Don’t get me wrong, I want more babies. I always pictured myself with at least 3. 2 girls, 1 boy or 1 girl and 2 boys. I’ll never have that though. Just because I WANT another baby doesn’t mean that I’ll HAVE another baby. As much as I’m not ready to be done, my brain tells me that I should be.

My heart breaks at the thought of being done though. If I knew she was absolutely going to be the last baby I had, I would have done things differently during my pregnancy. I would have taken those monthly pictures. I would have painted my stomach for Halloween. Or just took more pregnancy pictures in general. But that stuff didn’t happen because I found myself with no time. I found myself constantly busy raising my toddler. And I always thought to myself that I’d have at least once more, especially once I found out she was a girl. I love everything about my daughter but I also wanted my chance at a boy. And thinking about that boy just makes me yearn so much more for another baby. I was told by my gynecologist that I could have kids but they’d make me take a shot. It was offered during this pregnancy but I opted out since my first born wasn’t crazy early. But my brain can’t stop thinking about the “What ifs..”

“What if I took the shots and the baby was full term? Would my body be able to handle it? Would I be able to deliver naturally like my other too?”

“What if I needed a C-Section? I hear they’re very painful and the recovery time is longer than a vaginal delivery. How would I take care of two children while being in pain? Who would help me take care of myself? How many days would I want to cry because of the pain?”

“What if, even with the shots, the baby was born prematurely? How prematurely would it be born? Would it be born at the 36 week mark like my first born and be fine to come home? Would it be born like my second and have to stay at the hospital until she was cleared to go home? If born too premature, who would take care of my two other children while in the hospital? Could I handle leaving another child until it was well enough to come home? What if it was born way to premature and only weighed a pound when it was born? What if it had to stay longer than 12 days? How would I be able to afford that?”

“What if I took the shots? What if they didn’t work? What if I had a reaction to them?”

All the what ifs and hows and whys. They drive me insane. I yearn to have another baby. I don’t want to be done having children. I wanted three. I wanted a somewhat big family. I want to keep raising my children because it’s such an amazing family. Being a mother is something I’m good at. Something I feel like I was born to do. Watching my children grow and learn and become their own person is such an amazing feeling, especially because I’m a Stay at Home Mom. I can take credit for everything that they learned because I’m the one teaching them. When they become potty trained or learn a letter or their name or how to count, I can say “I did that. That’s because of me.” And that’s an incredible feeling. Being a parent is such a demanding job and even though it has it’s bad moments, I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I love being a mom and I’d love to have a third child. But just because it’s something that I want doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to happen. Because in my brain, I know it’s not plausible to have another one. And that truly breaks my heart.

It takes a village….

They say that it takes a village to raise a child and I completely agree. Before you have kids, you never realize how much work actually goes into raising children. There are people out there who like to try to compare taking care of a child to taking care of a dog and while they may have their similarities, it’s definitely more work to take care of a child. Being a parent means you never get a day off. You have to be up when your “boss” calls to you, even if you only slept 4 hours the night before. Being a parent means that you have to put yourself last. The needs of your baby always come first. It can honestly become overwhelming at times. But then your child will smile at you for the first time or coo and you’ll realize that it’s all worth it.

I say that it does take a village because I couldn’t imagine raising my daughters without my parents living close to me. When my first daughter was born, I lived with my parents. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was a first time mom with this little baby. I never changed a baby’s diaper that was that little. I never breastfed or prepared formula. I never had to deal with something waking me up by crying in the middle of the night. It’s a lot to try to get used too. My mom was a godsend with my first daughter. The first week of my daughter’s life, she helped me transition into being a mom. She would wake up in the middle of the night with me and help me change the baby’s diaper. If the baby had a blow out, she would help me clean up that too. She would help me prepare a bottle if I needed it or burp her if she needed it. She did it a lot when I first came home but as I slowly got the hang of everything and learned my new role in life, she got to actually get back to her normal sleep schedule. With my second daughter, she didn’t live in the same house as I did so I had to do it all on my own. It didn’t take that long for me to fall into a routine. My parents were helpful when my second daughter was born. They are the ones who helped take care of Melody while I was in the hospital. I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have them. They’re honestly the only people I trust to watch my children. It’s hard to trust anyone nowadays.

It does take a village to raise a child. My village just so happens to be a small one. But I’m grateful for them every day and all that they do. They help make this parenting experience easier.

Motherhood

As a parent, you want to do what’s best for your child. Also, as a parent there’s always many decisions to be made. Do you vaccinate? Do you breastfeed or formula feed? Do you co-sleep? Do you let them sleep in their own room? What do they sleep in? What car seat do you get? Do you feed them organically once they get old enough to eat food? Do you make your own food? No matter what you decide to do, you’ll be judged for it by someone. Instead of people supporting other people, they judge them.

I thought the choices I made were in the best interest of my children. However, my potty choice to potty train my first born wasn’t the best choice that I made. The sad thing is, I did research on different types of potties. The one I picked out had great reviews. It also had Mickey Mouse on it, which seemed perfect since Melody was into Mickey at the time. I bought it when she was too young to potty train, maybe when she was around 6 months old. I let it sit in my living room until I finally introduced her to potty training. At first, the potty seemed to work fine. I didn’t have a problem with it. That is until one day my child missed the potty and I had to clean the floor. The potty sits on a throw rug. Underneath the throw rug is a hardwood floor. The day that I had to clean the floor, I lifted the rug back and the floor underneath was a dark square. The rug also smelt like pee. So, first the potty ruined my floor. A couple months pass and my child has a rash on her back legs, near her butt. At first, I thought it was just her eczema and I put lotion on it every night. The lotion didn’t help and it continued to get worse. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend mentioned that maybe it was the potty that was given her the rash. LIGHTBULB!! I didn’t even think that it could be her potty. It made complete sense though. It was right where she sat on the potty. I’ve tried lotion and it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried cleaning the potty between every use and it hasn’t worked. Right now I’m trying ointment. I’ll be making her a doctor appointment this week so I can see what he has to say about it and hopefully he can prescribe her something stronger to make it feel better. I’m also looking into a new potty.

Word of advice: Make sure the potty you buy is a plastic seat. The potty I have is like a foam type seat.

Motherhood

Hello again! I became a mom 2 years ago and boy has my life changed. I never really put into thought how much would change once I had a kid. And I’m not talking just a little bit of change. So much has changed for me in the past two years that I’m definitely not the same person I was before I had my daughters. Before I had my first daughter, I used to work at a grocery store as a cashier. I was one of the fastest ones there. Once I had her, I decided to not go back and become a mom full time. In this day and age, it’s hard to trust someone else to watch your children. There’s so many horror stories out there about what could go wrong and I just wasn’t willing to take that risk. Not only that, but it just wouldn’t pay for me to go to work and put her in daycare. I basically wouldn’t make anything. So, adios job. Hello mom life.

Before I was a mom, I worked. I used to go to college but then decided I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I was going to college to become a Kindergarten teacher. Then I kind of changed my mind and wanted to run my own daycare. Then I just didn’t know if I could handle all that. Sometimes I regret not finishing my college degree. It’s hard to find a good daycare where I live but there’s probably a lot of stress that comes with that territory. Anyways, I ended up taking a break from college and just working. I never did hear the end of it from some of my family members. Oh well. Not their life to live. Before I became a mom, I used to spend my days working and my nights going on the computer. I can’t even remember everything I used to do on the computer. I’d sit in the living room with my parents while we would watch our favorite shows. I’d scroll tumblr and post to tumblr. I used to have two tumblrs that I would run. I’m sure I’d go on Pinterest and find recipes and crafts that I wanted to eventually try. That all ended a while after my daughter was born. So did the show watching. I’ve cut back on so many of the shows I used to watch. I barely watch any now. I think I used to watch about 8 shows maybe more. Now I’m down to 2-3. I watch The Walking Dead and Teen Mom 1 & 2 when it’s on. The new show that I like to watch is Are You The One. Other then that, I don’t really watch much TV. There’s a bunch of shows that I’d like to watch but I just never find the time to watch them. I haven’t signed into my tumblr accounts since a few months after my daughter was born. I barely even check my main e-mail. I ended up with 23,000 or more unread messages in that time. So being a mom has changed my internet and TV time, but that’s not all it changed. It changed the way I do thing for bed. It changed the way I get ready in the morning. It changed my dog’s life. She’s not number one anymore and they told me that would happen. I just didn’t believe it before I gave birth. Before I was a mom, I used to play video games. Minecraft was where it was at for me for a while. I loved building and finding secret caves on there. I used to also love playing any Mario game.

But all of that has changed. I no longer do the things that I used to love to do. I have changed. I’m no longer the person I was before I had children. And honestly I wouldn’t change it for the world. Sure, I’d love to do some of the things I used to do but that all be there in a few years. My babies will only be babies for so long.

 

Introduction

Hello. Welcome to my blog! On my blog, I’ll be going over random things that happen to me or random things that I feel the need to share. So, anyways a little bit about myself. My name is Dana. I’m the mother of two beautiful girls, who I will discuss later on in my posts. My one daughter is 2 years old and the other daughter is 2 1/2 weeks old. They’re my world. I’m also a doggy mom to a Yappy Papillon named Gizmo. She’ll probably be brought up in my blog too since she was my first baby before my actual daughters. I’m a stay at home mom who enjoys taking care of her girls. I also enjoy reading whenever I can, playing Tsum Tsum, collecting Tsum Tsums and Funkos. I also collect some mystery funko figures. I enjoy writing, eating, and looking up crafts and recipes on Pinterest that I’ll most likely never have time to make. Haha. I live a busy life running after a 2 year old and adjusting to the new baby in the house but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My girls are my world.